First Date. Last Night

8th December

Thursday dawned. Despite my previous reservations I was actually very excited, my date was tall, dark and handsome. American, so a nice sexy accent, I couldn’t fault him! Naturally I spent all day getting ready and when the time came I headed out for the train. He chose the destination, a cute little bar in Clapham, which he described as the ‘last gay haven’ outside of Soho.

Perfect, no funny looks at two guys getting intimate and two for one cocktails. I couldn’t have been happier. The evening started well, we spoke like old friends, learning about each other. We spoke about current affairs and I think i held my own quite well against a lawyer! But things got ‘interesting’ very quickly.

My stunning date was writing a book about the gay dating scene and as a teaser he’d posted some entries in a blog. Of course I read them all and stupidly gave away that I had. He was a very intelligent fellow and on reflection it sometimes felt like less of a date and more like I was seeing a shrink!

But we talked and drank and I commented on some of his gestures. He was a very touchy feely kinda guy which for him was natural body language but for me…that was flirting to the max. Perhaps being a sheltered northern who was pretty new to the gay scene, I read too much into things, which I freely admitted. So we touched and talked a bit more and he suggested that, because I had commented on it, it was making me uncomfortable. Quite the opposite, I was loving it! I felt like he was being intimate but of course I wasn’t returning the intimacy (sheltered emotionally stunted Brit here). So a small but deep chat later he came to the conclusion that I had intimacy issues and essentially told me to ‘seize the day.’

Maybe I should pay attention to those ‘take courage’ murals scattered across London.

Eventually I decided I would return his intimacy and we shared a kiss or two…or three and by the end of the night I was practically on his lap. A big deal for me! But the night ended as quickly as it had begun, he was travelling the following day and couldn’t be a dirty stop out. SO we parted ways and as I boarded my train an unusual feeling swept over me.

I say it was unusual because for all intents and purposes I’d just had a pretty good date! He was gorgeous with brains to match and he seemed to be somewhat interested in me? What was the problem? Whatever we spoke about must really have struck a nerve because my mood on the train quickly turned from ecstasy to dread. Do I have intimacy issues? Am I sabotaging my attempts at getting a relationship?

Well years of putting on a brave face and proudly declaring that emotions were for idiots ended that night. I wrapped myself up when I got home and cried myself to sleep, without my trusty teddy to comfort me!

What had happened to me? I was a wreck.

I spent the next day curled up in bed feeling sorry for myself whilst he was on his way to France to enjoy Grindr in the city of love. And I was still set to meet with man number two that night! One day in and I had suffered a complete breakdown.

Pray for me.



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