‘I Can’t Have Feelings Right Now’

26th March 2017

After the Christmas break there was no time to head back to uni, I was going straight out into the hospital for my first placement. How exciting! Naturally I checked Grindr on my breaks and I started seeing some regular faces. One in particular stood out, tanned, tall and a great smile! Based on the other tragic tales of my love life it’s easy to guess how this one ends.

Well I’m going to skip straight to the end. I’m currently sat at home feeling terribly empty whilst outside the sun is shining and Londoners enjoy there day. Let’s call this one…Flynn. I left Flynn’s flat this morning and as soon as I closed the front door, yep you guessed it, I cried. I cried walking to Blackfriars, I cried on the train and I cried for a while curled up in a ball in my living room. We’ve been on five dates. Five! I’m pathetic I know.

Flynn and I had actually exchanged messages on Grindr a while back and I think we swapped number then. We spoke a little but nothing came of it. Then when I started placement he got back in touch, we transitioned to WhatsApp once again but failed to arrange a suitable time or place to meet. Fast forward a few weeks and I’m back in lectures and he strikes up conversation again, he must be keen. And this time, success, we were heading on a night out. So I meet him after work and we head into Soho to get our drinks on.

He’s great! Handsome, intelligent, a doctor(win) and has a great flat up near Russel Square. I spend the night at his and, sticking to my three date rule, I kept him waiting that night. Monday morning arrives and he gets up to make pancakes. I have breakfast in bed on the first date, this guy is a keeper. We spend the afternoon in the British Museum then head back to his place for a nap. Since he treated me to breakfast I decide I’ll reward him with a blowjob. Great first date. I head home and as any normal person does after an amazing date (right?) I have a little breakdown. I don’t know why I can’t just allow myself to be happy but for whatever reason I couldn’t. I knew right then that this was going to end in tears. And not his.

Several dates followed and every time we met I fell a little more in love with Flynn. I’m not saying I was in love with him but there was definitely potential to be. He was almost perfect, he was so kind and charming and he complemented be a tonne! When it came to the third date we took it slowly and he totally respected me in the bedroom. He was a dream.

Fast forward to the fifth date, not a very big number I know. He cooks me dinner and we have great sex. Really great. Then we settle down for a while watching Grace & Frankie (which I highly recommend) and we somehow end up having a rather deep conversation about our feelings. This sucks, I hate feelings, they ruin things and they make me sad. Indeed my dominant feelings lately tend to be to be sadness and loneliness. I don’t want to discuss that with a potential suitor!

We’d already spoken about his ex and I completely understand that they didn’t break up that long ago and that, of course, he didn’t want to dive right back into a relationship. Sure that upset me a bit but I dealt with it. Oh and I dealt with the fact that after our first date when I didn’t put out he just went and slept with his flatmate. I also dealt with the fact that he told me he’d just broken things off with someone he’d been seeing. Again, after our first date. But he was sweet enough that I let it go and I accepted we were just having fun and seeing what happened. Then he shows up for date five with love bites all over his neck, how attractive. But the surprisingly mature me lets it slide, ‘of course I’m not upset’ I proclaimed.

Then came this dreadful late night conversation, which was filled with compliments. How great my body is, my eyes, how great the sex is and how there was definitely something there between us. How it felt like we’d gone beyond the fifth date and that we had a connection. You’d think that’d be a dream to hear, apart from the ‘but.’ He said he was confused as to whether we’d moved fast because he was used to being in a relationship or because he liked me so much. Was I replacing his ex too quickly? In conclusion, he wanted to be friends but he just ‘couldn’t have feelings right now.’ I’m still not entirely sure what that means.

The next paragraph I wrote I had to take out, I wrote it when I was angry and upset and that wouldn’t be fair to Flynn. I’ve now gone an entire week without crying! And on reflection I think I do know what ‘not having feelings’ means. Because I completely agree with him! I am not in the right place right now to be anywhere near a relationship, but that’s okay!

I wrote back in December about my ‘dating bender’ and I said that I needed someone in my life to be happy. But I was walking to uni the other day and I suddenly thought to myself oh my God. I’m happy. I live in a beautiful city, I have the best friends I could ever wish for and I’m pursuing my dreams. And one day sure I hope I’ll be happy with a man on my arm. But right now, I don’t need that. I can’t need that. I can’t have feelings right now.



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