A Powerful Magic

I found myself crying on a train again the other day. Not uncommon for me but it had been quite a few weeks since I had shed a tear and I was starting to become rather proud of myself. What made me cry I have known for a long time I just needed to apply it to a situation with a friend and hope I can move the F on!

I wrote a short while ago about a guy I knew whom I called ‘York’. After the whole debacle at Christmas I was sure that my feelings for him had been thoroughly shed…through my eyes of course. But the first time we aw each other after Christmas I knew that wasn’t quite the case. We had gone to see a show, a regular occurrence for the two of us, and there was a slight air of awkwardness between us. If we accidentally touched he’d be quick to apologise and I couldn’t look at him without wanting to dive into his arms.

Alas time moved on and slowly my feelings and the awkwardness subsided. London can be a pretty lonely place so I was more than grateful to have him as a friend, I couldn’t screw that up. Anyway a few weeks ago we went to an open mic night at the Phoenix, which was amazing, and as it was late and the trains had stopped running he offered to let me stop at his.

I, of course, accepted so I didn’t have to pay for an extortionate taxi home and I coincidentally happened to have everything I needed on me to get up and head straight to work in the morning. He’d had a good serving of wine but I knew it wasn’t quite enough for any funny business. Which was a good thing! I didn’t even like his adorable little face anymore. Dammit.

Naturally we had a bit of a cuddle but it really was minor spooning and I was very responsible and pushed him away..after a while. Okay so maybe I did still have a few feelings but I could deal with it! And actually that’s not when I cried so I did handle it pretty well for once.

The following Thursday rolled around and he text me telling me where to meet. I think he was joking but I was like a night out and potential drunk cuddling with a guy whose seeing someone else, what could be better?! (I’m an idiot I know) So I threw on some half decent clothes and spent the night out with him again. We ended up in Heaven, pretty intoxicated and dancing together. Not full on sex dancing but i made sure to get a few touches in where I could.

And we met these guys in the club and one of them read me like an open book and so I went off to have a little heart to heart about my one true love and our tragic story. That’s when I started to realise…I was in love with the story.

After we got back to his flat we spooned and slept most of the night in each others arms, I even managed to steal a few kisses. And in the morning like clockwork we did the whole oh no we had ‘a hug’ in the night oops. Let’s not do that again. It wasn’t even there that I cried! Crazy I know.

Having those little kisses sealed the deal for me. How could I ever like someone who’d hurt me so much. It wasn’t intentional hurt, I’m not resentful to him at all but I still cried…a lot. I was heartbroken and hearts aren’t so easily put back together.

But the romance of it all, our heavenly first date and then our distance for a while. Then my move to London where he worked, we could reconnect and fall back in love and I would get everything I ever wanted and a happily ever after. But I didn’t…I got 40% on my first assignment and a man who was taken.
No worries, I could get rid of the other guy and our story would just have one more twist. But love is the most powerful magic of all and our love could prevail! He was my Prince Charming. We were meant to be together.

Writing it down has made be realise even more how deluded I sound. Someone send help?

I don’t think I cried on the train home that night because I still loved him. I cried because for a brief moment I knew that life wasn’t fairy tales and happily ever after. Perhaps since December I’ve been working through the five stages of grief at losing my Mr Right. Perhaps those tears where the acceptance that it was over and I had to finally move on.

I might not have moved on just yet, if we have a few too many glasses and start talking about how we met and our kids names maybe I’ll want to start looking for a ring. But I know that I won’t, I’ll leave him and his partner to that and I’ll find someone else who deserves my hand.

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Right Place. Wrong Time. 

What feels like a lifetime ago, I met a man in ‘York’ (I’ve changed the names and places for anonymity). One of my closest friends was studying in the city and so me and another friend (yes I have several) would take the motorway down to spend a few days in the city of…nope I got nothing. Since our last trip I had become proficient at Grindr and had no hesitation whipping it out and chatting to some southern beaus. One particular chest caught my eye more than the others and we started chatting, the chest had a face! And it was a nice one to, a lovely chap who, upon hearing of my approaching departure date, was as keen to meet as I was.

So I explained all to my friends and said that, for the morning, I would be ditching them but they were thrilled at how fast I’d managed to arrange a date. So I headed off to meet my new man and we had a little chat over a hot chocolate and proceeded to take a little tour around a few parks and the waterfront. We’ve already established my heart is way out on my sleeve so naturally I began planning my future with this fine gentleman as we meandered through the city. But the morning flew by and before I knew it, it was time to say goodbye and return to my friends.

But after a few texts we both agreed to make the most of our time together and after lunch with my girls, I headed back out to a new park, date number two on the same day! In hindsight, when I got home, it was a bit of a stupid idea to go on a date. Especially because it had turned out so well! I really felt like I could like this guy and yet I had to head home to waste away in the heart of Lancashire whilst he galavanted around London and …York (London was his work home).

So we carried on texting for a while but of course, given the distance, things just fizzled out. There was one occasion when he text me asking “why did we stop talking?” I was quick to remind him that he had never replied to one of my texts. So I ‘moved on’, fell for a few other men from the North and never got anywhere with any of them. And then I received an offer for university in London! My dreams were coming true, I could be a young runagay heading to the bright lights of the city. Living near the bright lights turned out to be a flat in Lewisham but it could’ve been worse.

This is relevant I promise, remember York (I’ll just call him that from now on) was in London Monday to Friday for work. This was it, I was going to go to uni, see every show on the west end and I was going to reconnect with Prince Charming. My Disney tale was finally happening. So over the summer I got back in touch, just casually, to bring up that I’d be moving down and at the end of the summer, after an open day, we decided to meet up in the park. Having not seen each other for the best part of a year and having ended our last meeting with a make out session outside my friends house, this had the potential to be somewhat awkward. But we shared a hug and spent the evening on primrose hill catching up. There was definitely something there between us I knew it.

So me and my flatmate made the move and I made sure to keep up the effort in getting to know York, we’d go for lunch or to dinner and he always paid. That was a sign right? Then there was a drunk call. Having never made one myself I had to read into this only what I had seen from my friends. If they ever drunk dialled, it was to a potential date or an ex. This was just what I needed, this was almost confirmation of our feelings for each other. So, close to my birthday I took the plunge and asked York out on a date.

“Awww Rob” – I hated it when he did that, he was so cute. But he’d started seeing someone else in ‘York’, how sweet. I was happy for him. No honestly I was! I’d given it a shot and he wasn’t available, I handled the situation very well. No tears, no drama and it meant I still had a great friend in London, which were in short supply.

Then birthday week came and he took me out to the theatre and for dinner and a few little drinks afterwards and I was thinking the whole night ‘god I just want to kiss you.’ He was too nice and that was making it very hard to move on! Then came my ‘three dates in three days’ fiasco and he was being so protective and I had a hard time believing that this was just coming from a place of friendship, we barely knew each other after all.

Then the following week he suggested we go out ‘dancing’ which in this case meant getting drunk and slut dropping in G-A-Y. Not what I would call dancing but there you go. Being fully aware of my feelings I decided to take it slow with the alcohol, as soon as I start sobering up I can get pretty emotional and I didn’t need that tonight. So we danced and had a great night and that’s the end of that.

I wish. It was a busy night at the club and as we moved around we’d hold hands so as to not lose each other, perfectly innocent stuff, I’d do that with any of my friends. Then when we decided to leave, holding hands so we made it out together, and we started to head down oxford street praying for a 24 hour McDonald’s. York was hungry. Oh but wait, why am I beaming like an idiot…oh right we’re still holding hands and McDonald’s is closed and we’re heading back to his. God help me.

I’ll spare all the gory details, mostly because there aren’t any, I’m very proud of myself that I rejected his advances that night. Of course I couldn’t turn down a cuddle and we had some really great conversation as we lay together. But dawn arrived too quickly and my perfect night had come to an end. Going out the night before a day in university is never a great idea, getting half an hours sleep and being an hour away from home is even worse. So I dragged myself out of bed as he muttered his apologies and why this could never happen again.

The first train of the day, back home, went rather smoothly. I didn’t have time to be upset, I needed to get home, get dressed and get back on the train. So I did the speediest change of my life, grabbed my uniform and headed back out. I’m not going to lie, I’m not entirely sure what I learnt that day, I was so incredibly tired I was just concentrating on keeping my eyes open. At last the day rolled to a close and I found myself on the train back home. With the pressure of university gone and a free weekend ahead of me, my brain turned to the events of the previous night. And I cried. On a train. That’s right, I was in floods of tears from London Bridge all the way to Hither Green. What a fool.

Unfortunately I spent the next week crying and feeling like a 12 year old again. But a few months down the line I am happy to say we are still great friends and I wouldn’t change anything about that night. The first few times I saw York after that brought back the tears but we’ve reached a happy place. And I am so happy he is enjoying his time with his fella whilst I sit inside writing…

‘I Can’t Have Feelings Right Now’

26th March 2017

After the Christmas break there was no time to head back to uni, I was going straight out into the hospital for my first placement. How exciting! Naturally I checked Grindr on my breaks and I started seeing some regular faces. One in particular stood out, tanned, tall and a great smile! Based on the other tragic tales of my love life it’s easy to guess how this one ends.

Well I’m going to skip straight to the end. I’m currently sat at home feeling terribly empty whilst outside the sun is shining and Londoners enjoy there day. Let’s call this one…Flynn. I left Flynn’s flat this morning and as soon as I closed the front door, yep you guessed it, I cried. I cried walking to Blackfriars, I cried on the train and I cried for a while curled up in a ball in my living room. We’ve been on five dates. Five! I’m pathetic I know.

Flynn and I had actually exchanged messages on Grindr a while back and I think we swapped number then. We spoke a little but nothing came of it. Then when I started placement he got back in touch, we transitioned to WhatsApp once again but failed to arrange a suitable time or place to meet. Fast forward a few weeks and I’m back in lectures and he strikes up conversation again, he must be keen. And this time, success, we were heading on a night out. So I meet him after work and we head into Soho to get our drinks on.

He’s great! Handsome, intelligent, a doctor(win) and has a great flat up near Russel Square. I spend the night at his and, sticking to my three date rule, I kept him waiting that night. Monday morning arrives and he gets up to make pancakes. I have breakfast in bed on the first date, this guy is a keeper. We spend the afternoon in the British Museum then head back to his place for a nap. Since he treated me to breakfast I decide I’ll reward him with a blowjob. Great first date. I head home and as any normal person does after an amazing date (right?) I have a little breakdown. I don’t know why I can’t just allow myself to be happy but for whatever reason I couldn’t. I knew right then that this was going to end in tears. And not his.

Several dates followed and every time we met I fell a little more in love with Flynn. I’m not saying I was in love with him but there was definitely potential to be. He was almost perfect, he was so kind and charming and he complemented be a tonne! When it came to the third date we took it slowly and he totally respected me in the bedroom. He was a dream.

Fast forward to the fifth date, not a very big number I know. He cooks me dinner and we have great sex. Really great. Then we settle down for a while watching Grace & Frankie (which I highly recommend) and we somehow end up having a rather deep conversation about our feelings. This sucks, I hate feelings, they ruin things and they make me sad. Indeed my dominant feelings lately tend to be to be sadness and loneliness. I don’t want to discuss that with a potential suitor!

We’d already spoken about his ex and I completely understand that they didn’t break up that long ago and that, of course, he didn’t want to dive right back into a relationship. Sure that upset me a bit but I dealt with it. Oh and I dealt with the fact that after our first date when I didn’t put out he just went and slept with his flatmate. I also dealt with the fact that he told me he’d just broken things off with someone he’d been seeing. Again, after our first date. But he was sweet enough that I let it go and I accepted we were just having fun and seeing what happened. Then he shows up for date five with love bites all over his neck, how attractive. But the surprisingly mature me lets it slide, ‘of course I’m not upset’ I proclaimed.

Then came this dreadful late night conversation, which was filled with compliments. How great my body is, my eyes, how great the sex is and how there was definitely something there between us. How it felt like we’d gone beyond the fifth date and that we had a connection. You’d think that’d be a dream to hear, apart from the ‘but.’ He said he was confused as to whether we’d moved fast because he was used to being in a relationship or because he liked me so much. Was I replacing his ex too quickly? In conclusion, he wanted to be friends but he just ‘couldn’t have feelings right now.’ I’m still not entirely sure what that means.

The next paragraph I wrote I had to take out, I wrote it when I was angry and upset and that wouldn’t be fair to Flynn. I’ve now gone an entire week without crying! And on reflection I think I do know what ‘not having feelings’ means. Because I completely agree with him! I am not in the right place right now to be anywhere near a relationship, but that’s okay!

I wrote back in December about my ‘dating bender’ and I said that I needed someone in my life to be happy. But I was walking to uni the other day and I suddenly thought to myself oh my God. I’m happy. I live in a beautiful city, I have the best friends I could ever wish for and I’m pursuing my dreams. And one day sure I hope I’ll be happy with a man on my arm. But right now, I don’t need that. I can’t need that. I can’t have feelings right now.

Robert.